Good-bye

I spent that most dreary of rainy days cleaning out residue that has been collecting in my room for the last 17 years. I packed up the last of my dolls--little creatures that were cut off the top of pens. For years I had lived vicariously through them exploring worlds now forgotten. They, who used to gambol and make their homes in moss and trees, have now found their grave in an old milk crate buried in the garage. Their tombstone lies beside that of the Barbie dolls and the fairies. My room, still a cluttered and dusty monument to my memories, has an empty void in one corner that relentlessly draws my gaze.

This sounds melancholy, but its not (mostly), just nostalgic. I remember when I thought my parents were perfect and had the answer to everything. And they still do, to a scarily wide variety of subjects, but “there is more to heaven and earth than has been dreamt of in their philosophy”.

I remember also when I thought there was no more war. Life was so peaceful here, so I thought life was the same everywhere else. I can remember my shock at discovering we, Canada, were at war. Since then, I am more worldly, but no less idealistic. I still seek longingly to see issues in black and white, not the shades of grey that permit ethical compromise.

And yet the world, like movies in black and white, misses the sparkle of life. To see shades of blue, and black, and grey are what I think it means to be an adult. I graduated this year from high school and have been seeing the world fill with colour, vibrancy, and life—not to mention possibility. My last year of high school has been filled with saying good-bye to my friends, teachers, and old haunts. I have also been applying to University, filling out scholarship applications, and planning my year after grade 12. Because I am taking a gap year!

For the fall, I will be traveling with my family through Greece (hopefully), Italy, Spain and France. In early January, they will return to Vancouver. I will stay on in Europe doing something, until I start missing my family and friends. The “something” was supposed to have been arranged last week… Well, we’ll see.

This year, my goal is to learn all the knowledge that school tried, and failed, to impart. And if traveling can cement what I have learned from formal education, all the better. But if you think I will practice integrals or Brønsted/Lowry reactions, think again! Instead, I will soak in all the colours of ages gone past and witness the mixing of new shades.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

                                            --Bilbo Baggins